In between

The weather is lovely. I may be one of the only ones who loves the sunshine and humidity!

Last week I went to visit Baby Sister in New Jersey. I learned some very valuable things. One, always turn on your away message in your email. Two, I need a GPS. I need verbal directions. I carefully wrote out the way I needed to go and got to the end with a minimum of panic until I turned down the road I thought was the right road. But Baby Sister's camp was nowhere in sight and I began to get nervous. Finally I pulled over and called my sister. "I'm not sure where I am," I told her. It turned out I was actually right around the corner. I had panicked too soon. An apt reflection for most of my life at the moment, really.

Baby Sister was greatly amused by my reactions to life in the wilds. The bunk bed had ancient gum stuck to the headboard and wisps of spider webs. I was afraid to go to sleep because I didn't want to touch any of the walls. I also really don't like having other people fill up my gas tank. "It's so funny," said Baby Sister. "In the city you just know how to do things and where to go. And out here you're just hilarious!" So true.

Right now I'm trying to find the right balance between proactivity and patient waiting.

My tomorrow my baby brother graduates from high school and then my parents will leave Thailand forever. I can't think about that too closely.

Birthday birthday birthdaaaaaaaay!

The world did not end this weekend. I am glad. I want to do so many things in my next year of life!!

Today isn't a typical "milestone" birthday, but so much has happened in the last year. Lots of wonderful things, and sad things too. I've learned a lot.

In some ways I feel like everything is ending, all at once. I'm done with course work and my assistantship. (Confession: I haven't been able to give my office key back yet. I know.) My parents are leaving Thailand. Fifteen years packed up, given away, sold. Gone. They're selling the house in North Carolina. I haven't lived in that house for a decade and a half but it was always there, if that makes sense.

But this has been a good year, on the whole. I got to go home to Thailand twice; this would be my highlight if I had to pick. I will never be able to express just how important that was to me.

And I'm getting excited about whatever is next.

Mostly, I am just glad I am alive. Alive is good. I like being alive.

Wee Update

I love this stuff. So much.

Things crawl along. Gotta finish up the prospectus and get a job. You know. The usual. I sound (and feel) like a broken record.

BUT. It's my birthday week. I love birthdays (especially mine). And my parents will be back next week. That is so crazy...

Research interests collide!

So Thailand's July election just got more interesting. I was expecting something of the kind, after all, past elections have had "proxy" candidates for Thaksin and some members of his party have gone so far as to wear masks of his face while campaigning. So it was inevitable that a "proxy" would appear on the scene, but I personally was not expecting Thaksin's younger sister Yingluck.

So now two of my research interests are colliding, Thailand and transnational feminism, because Ms. Shinawattra is the first woman to win the nomination of a major party in Thailand, and if Phua Thai wins the election, she will be the first female premier. Now, the fact that she will be seen as merely a cover for her more powerful brother is a complicating factor, and I find it fascinating that in the article on BBC that I linked to she is quoted as using her "femininity to work" for Thailand. What will this look like? Will voters get behind her? If she does win will she simply be a puppet? Will the reasons the protestors protest change? It will be fascinating to watch, but I expect that the unrest will simply get worse again. At times like this, while I'm deeply sad that my parents are leaving Thailand, I'm really glad that they will not be there for the election season. No matter what happens I doubt things will go smoothly.

Okay, fine...

I'm glad I went to the Graduate ceremony thingy on Saturday.

I am, however, also glad I stuck to my stubbornness and refused to go on Sunday. Apparently the undergrads get drunk and loud. That would have annoyed me considerably.

Here is a picture. I like hats.

To be honest I didn't mean for it to come out blurry. Details aren't important though. I wanted a cool hat. I plan to research PhD programs based on the coolness of their hats.

Two steps forward, one step back

It still hurts when people ask if my parents will be at graduation. (Seriously, y'all, Thailand is very far away. And they are definitely not made of money. They are also in the middle of leaving Thailand forever so...) However, I can recognize now (more than before, anyway) how important it is to celebrate what I've done. I did so well! I'm very proud of myself. Just have to finish this thesis thing...

Today I met with my advisor, who had five million things to add to the prospectus. Actually, that's an exaggeration, but there were some surprising additions that rather dashed my hopes of presenting my draft to my committee. This is where my over-anal research practices come in handy, because I have some articles with lovely notes that I can use to write a few more paragraphs instead of having to find some completely new stuff. Patience, patience.

All nighter, ahoy. I want this thing in the hands of my committee STAT.

This is why iprint hates me

Never let it be said that I do not do my research. Now I have to read all these articles!

I feel bad killing so many trees. I should also find a binder or five.

Miscellaneousisms

The sunshine has arrived! As have warmish temps. This makes me happy.

Other things that make me happy:

Scholarly articles that fit what I'm trying to do. (I know, I know. Let me be a nerd a little longer, y'all.)

Sending 1,000+ pages of research results to iprint. (They are going to hate me forever.)

Spending time with friends in the city.

Doctor Who musings of the moment: it is impressive that the race of Big Bads has been totally destroyed multiple times and yet, they just keep coming back. Four times since I started watching. (After the last appearance I was kind of like, show, I love you but seriously. This is getting very old.)

Because I am who I am, I googled "Feminism and Doctor Who" just to see what discussions about the Doctor and his mainly young and beautiful female "Companions" exist on the internet. It was interesting. Personally, I think it's complicated because yeah, kind of problematic that, so far, the semi-immortal Doctor kicks around the time and space continuum primarily with younger women who, simply because they are young and human, will never completely be his equals. On the other hand, if he was kicking around the time and space continuum with no women at all, that would also be an issue. So. You know.

Finally, this list of 111 Male Characters of British Literature, in order of Bangability was pretty awesome. I have, however, three overwhelming thoughts that must be expressed:

3. Aslan? Um... what? First of all, he's Jesus, and he's a Lion, and... why is he on here?! My childhood!
2. WHERE IS GEORGE KNIGHTLEY?! I'm sorry, but if Edward Ferrars and Edmund Bertram made this list my Mr. Knightley should have as well! (I mean, Thorin Oakenshield is on this list. wtf!)
1. Why is Rochester number one? I expected Mr. Darcy there, it is true, but ROCHESTER? The dude who tried to manipulate Jane into doing something he knew she would not ever ever ever do?! Also, mad wife locked in a secret room?! I love Jane Eyre because Jane herself is awesome, but I've always thought it was extremely unfortunate that her only two options for partners were Mr. Rochester (liar, manipulator, etc.) and St. John Rivers (religious psychonut). This is just not fair. This comic basically sums up my feelings on the Bronte Sisters' taste in romantic male leads.

Transistions

Today my mom told me that they have sold almost everything. The cars. The beds. Everything is gone.

I had my exit interview today. I warned my supervisors that I would probably cry. I cried during my interview for the job, speaking, ironically enough, about how hard it would be to let a student go from the program.

"How are you transitioning?" I was asked.

"Today is a good day," I told them. I did not cry. Not then.

"Your parents are coming back this summer, right? That will be so nice. You can transition together."

I don't think I can bear my own transition issues, much less anyone else's, so this is less than comforting. I'm glad that they'll be able to hopefully come to my thesis defense, though.

I cried later, on the way back to my car. I took the long way so I wouldn't run into anyone and have to explain that yes, I am graduating. No, I don't know what I want to do with my life. Yes. I will miss you.

So I decided, there are no good days or bad days. There are days. And they have good moments and bad moments.

And then my eyes glazed over

Here's what I've learned about academic writing: at this point, it is basically re-writing. Every. Little. Thing. I heard a story about a poet once (english undergrad. never leaves you) who spent a morning putting one word in a poem, and then spent the afternoon taking it out.

At the time, I thought that story was pretty silly. I feel differently now.

I'm not dealing with the inclusion single words, usually, but this prospectus has been a very frustrating process of small changes that amount to large ones. I may move a paragraph from one section to another and wonder, why didn't I put it there to begin with? Sometimes information obscures rather than clarifies and I have to cut, cut, cut sections that I spent hours and hours writing. It is a sad truth that it sometimes takes me several hours to write a single paragraph. (And, yes, this is occasionally because I get distracted. The point still stands.)

I can't even read my prospectus anymore. I don't know what it says.

But it looks really substantial and pristine sitting on the table next to me.

(I love) walking in the city

I think the worst thing about this point in my life is that I can't imagine anything else after this. I can't imagine what else I could do or where I could go that could possibly make me as happy as I have been the past two years. And when I think about that, I feel kind of pathetic. I kind of want to just go sit in an airport. Give me the limbo of an actual terminal. It's much more clear cut.

However, when I go into Philly, I just feel so much better. I think I subconsciously take wrong turns on purpose just so I can walk around more. I pretend that I will be fine with moving anywhere. (California is lately a really tempting option.) But that's because I'm afraid to admit how much I want to stay.

Right now I really like Florence and the Machine's song "Rabbit Heart (Raise it up)."

Also, I am hopelessly, hopelessly in love with Doctor Who. Time-traveling badass with a tortured soul. Can't resist. Plus, time-travel. (Last night at a party someone was telling me this story about how he came home to find a strange woman had broken into his house and was acting really creepy. I was like OMG ON DOCTOR WHO SHE WOULD HAVE BEEN AN ALIEN! And then I felt kind of ashamed.) But seriously, who couldn't love a show where the characters get to meet Queen Victoria and fight werewolves? Among other things?

There are always bright spots. And Philadelphia is still there for me to wander in.