Transitions

Today I decided to just go downtown and walk around with my ancient camera that I once dropped out of a window in England. I felt a little weird to take pictures; I didn't want to stand out as a tourist. I was amused by how much this bothered me. A challenge to accept my eternal Otherness?

I did not expect to have so many adjustments this semester. I really, really didn't. But over the last few months I've struggled with a growing sense of just... discontent, I guess is the best way to put it. It was hard to parse out, because technically, life hadn't changed all that much, except for the fact that I was no longer living in the city and it is hard to admit how much I miss it. I wasn't sure what, exactly I was longing for. I knew it wasn't Thailand, exactly, because I do really feel that my visit there this summer was a benediction of sorts. That one week I spent in Bangkok, it felt that Thailand was finally, truly, really mine, and that is enough. So I was at a loss to figure out what I was missing. I mean, it's kind of obvious, now. I miss living in the city. Horribly. Everyone I do admit this to informs me that they knew I would. How did I not know? I mean, how did I not know as strongly as they seem to? I feel that I try to plan and make the best possible choices and then I find that somewhere I missed something and wildly miscalculated.

I'm also thinking about the future. I don't know where I will be next year or what I will be doing and thinking about this makes me want to withdraw so deeply into my metaphorical shell I never have to decide anything again. I'm tired of moving. More specifically, I am tired of continually starting over. I'm certainly not ready to buy a house and never move again, but I would like to stay in a place for awhile. In an urban setting.

That's why I went downtown today. And it was amazing how relaxed I felt the moment I got off the train. More relaxed than I have felt all semester. And I understood why it felt so off to call my current apartment "home" and why I feel so trapped sometimes. So I ventured forth as a fragment of the crowds surging through the city.

I love the contrasts you find in cities: the scrambled buildings and the always-already-forever unfinished nature of the metropolis. Something will always be under construction. Old row homes fight with sky scrapers for the sunlight. The sidewalks and pavements are eternal patchworks of haphazard repairs and slow wearing. I feel safe here. The sky scrapers are the bones of my chosen habitat: chaotic, changing, yet solid. Cities are structured chaos and this is why I feel at home in them. The buildings evolve and people pass through and I am always reclaiming always remaking my small part just like everyone else. It's okay to be lost here. I like being anonymous but not alone.

I missed my train back out. I think I did that on purpose because I was reluctant to go. So I sat precariously on the edge of a crowded bench and listened to the trains being called. Come visit more often, my old roommate urged me today. And I think I will have to. Today was also the first day in a long time that I felt like writing, and writing is kind of important at this point! I have to learn new ways to balance my school life and everything else. (Is there even an everything else? I should probably learn that too.) School has been all consuming and I've had no escape. I should get a train pass to counteract that feeling alone. And I need to do more walking in the city.