Learning to be Invisible

(And then Visible again.)

Tonight in the class I TA for, one of the full instructors told a story about her (white) husband in Japan, realizing what it meant to be "hyper-visible," to be looked at, and laughed at, and, at times, unwanted.


In a discussion later, I told her about my almost opposite experience, when I returned to the States and suddenly had to deal with being INVISIBLE. I had never before connected this sudden invisibility with my struggle with depression. But after thinking tonight, I'm sure this was a part of it. I had gone from a place where my extreme visibility was, at times, uncomfortable and sad and painful (denoting, as it did, "not belonging"), to a place where I was completely "normal" and invisible (but still "not belonging"). I would be in Walmart and suddenly realize that I was surrounded by all White people. It was strange and unsettling.

I am sure that this contributed to my overall CERTAINTY that I did not matter, would not be missed, and therefore was not real, in some way that I couldn't express but felt so strongly. This invisibility allowed me to pass through my college without any flags going up. No one would have pegged me as depressed. My grades did not suffer. I had no outer markers of outsider status, so no one paid attention. (At least, that's how I felt. I am aware that my perspective is deeply, deeply mired the painful place I was inhabiting at the time.)

I believed I was invisible, so I acted invisible. I think this was most harmfully manifested in the fact that I stayed at a job after I graduated because I didn't believe that I was worth anything else. (Of course this was complicated by my need for insurance and of course money, but I do think that if I had a different opinion of my own worth, I might have been more willing to look longer or fight harder to be valued by my employers.)

I am still trying to unlearn this self-imposed invisibility. Coming to grad school was a culture shock of almost similar proportions. A friend asked me today what the best thing about grad school has been. I told her it was realizing that I have skills and strengths that are valuable, that are REAL. I told her it was the feeling of belonging. (I told her the worst thing was feeling like I have to be smart all the time, haha.)

So this is a goal for me, as I'm finishing up here: to be willing to be visible. To believe in my own value. To let people see me.