I just finished the first week of my second semester in my new program. I feel like I'm really "here" now. The newness of everything has worn off a little, and I know the ropes and multiple ways of getting from one point in Raleigh to another. Someone asked me for directions to a classroom this week, and I felt very proud that I could tell them where to go.
I teach three days a week, and I think that in terms of filling up the class period, 50 minutes is more manageable than 75. I am not keen on having to teach at 8 am MWF, but such is life. I am amazed that my students arrive 15 minutes before class, even for the 8 am section. I have now repented of being an "early" student. As the professor, it is terrifying to walk into a classroom filled with students who don't want to talk yet because class hasn't started. My jokes have fallen flat so far. Their eyes are like gimlets.
The classes I am taking all seem like they will be fascinating and challenging to the extreme, but I am excited about it. I feel a bit rudderless in terms of what I want to write about for my final papers; it feels like my life was dominated by my thesis for so long I am just not even sure any more what I care about. I am looking at this semester as a time to really consider what type of work I want to keep on doing, and how I want to focus. There is a lot of pressure to "define yourself as a scholar," which is rather intimidating to me. I still have so much to learn, how can I claim a label just yet? What if I change my mind and I am stuck with writing about stuff I just don't like anymore? Writing about Thailand during my MA allowed me to reclaim a part of my life I honestly thought was lost to me, but I am not sure that needs to be my only focus going forward. The world is big and fascinating, and I want to explore it all. At the same time, I still find Thailand extremely interesting, so we will see. Hopefully this semester will allow me to consider what I have already written and accomplished and explore how those interests can evolve and grow with me.
Overall, I am looking forward to this new year. I have an academic conference in April, and I am excited to get back into researching new topics and developing professionally. Finishing my thesis was the highlight of 2012, and one of my goals for 2013 is to turn it into an article for publication. I need a little more time before I open that document again, but I am excited to do something new with that material. Possibilities are endlessly exciting to me. I feel like I'm back in the game, so to speak, after having been at a standstill for so long.
Six months ago when I moved to Raleigh, I didn't know how I felt about making new friends, and I was very sad about leaving my Philadelphia people behind. Philadelphia was extremely important in terms of my personal journey: it was the first "home" I constructed as an adult. I choose Philadelphia, and I loved my life there. I also choose to move to Raleigh, and the tension there lay in my own decisions resulting in the 'loss' of one place I knew I liked for a place I did not know. The last few months were reassuring in that I stayed in contact with my people in Philadelphia, and I was even able to visit over the Christmas break. Going "home" in this way was a huge deal. Philadelphia was still there for me, and I still had a place in it. I did not see everyone this trip, but because flights are fairly inexpensive between my current home and my Philly home, I hope to maintain those ties. I can't even express what a relief that knowledge is. Nothing and no one is lost; things have just changed.
In the same way, returning to Raleigh and my new friends here was also an excellent experience. I feel a calmness that one will not eclipse the other, but both will remain important, although obviously Raleigh is the material, everyday setting for me at the moment. I feel settled in a way I honestly have not felt since my family moved overseas. I saw a poster for housing sign ups on the bus this week and had a moment of utter panic. Then I remembered, I don't HAVE to move. Sometimes I catch myself looking up apartments "just because" and I want to smack myself. The thought of living in this same apartment for more than a 12 month lease is incredible to me. There might be a better deal out there, but I think for my own personal development and stability I will try to stay in this place for at least two years. The ability to move will hopefully help me to stay put, for a little while. I've discovered it can handle hordes of people for parties, so there is no reason to find a different place. (I love having parties! It is so fun to have people over, although not quite as fun cleaning up the next day.)
Allonsy, 2013! I can't wait to see what is in store.
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