Goodbye Girl

I did not get out my suitcase until this morning, which was cutting it pretty close. I have a hard time packing. I like the actual journey, and I usually like the destination, but somehow, packing up my stuff is the absolute worse. I was very glad that I was awarded the fellowship, because it meant I did not have to sublet my apartment. I did not want my apartment to be filled with strangers while I am gone. I got it out, however, and managed to pick out my clothes and fit in my bedding. (I'll be staying in a dorm, so I needed to bring my own sheets. I am not particularly enthused about the dorm part... I've discovered I actually like having a kitchen and cooking this year.)

I've been thinking about missing people and places (AGAIN! I KNOW!). One of the main reasons I did not want to leave this summer was because I was afraid I would be "out of sight, out of mind" to my friends here, and be a stranger when I get back. Now, it is true that I will not be the same when I return, but that doesn't mean I will be cut out of society, allegedly. The title of this blog post is from a song by the same name by The Civil Wars. It's a beautiful song, and it encapsulates a lot of how I've felt and experienced in all my many transitions. "Say goodbye, and don't look back," runs the chorus. Looking back hurts. This song can bring me to tears.

When people say they'll miss me, I think they're just being nice. Moving so much, I guess it became a habit to assume that because it hurt less. Other nomads I meet understand this, and often they react the same way. But my non-nomad buddies are surprised, and hurt, when I am surprised that they say they'll miss me. I was shocked at the hurt. I react with the feeling of: don't say what you don't mean, and assume that saying "I miss you" simply cannot be true, or not for long. People move on and everything adjusts. This is life. But missing doesn't mean that life stays static, I guess? I skyped with one of my Philly friends today and it was SO NICE. We are still friends, and still miss each other, but include each other in our lives in different ways. This is a nice lesson, and important.

I started this blog three years ago when I went "home" to Thailand. I was in the middle of my masters, and I was excited and happy and looking forward to getting back to Philly and resuming life after my trip. This is a similar juncture, although I am not going to a past "home." This is more of a future building trip. I have made a lot of peace with my past in Thailand, and doing this language program will help me build a future. It's kind of thrilling. But most importantly, after I do this building, I'll be coming "home" to a community and my very own apartment.