One Year

Today is the one year anniversary of when I moved into my apartment. I also got back today from Madison, so in some ways it's like I moved in all over again. I enjoyed Madison thoroughly. In some ways, Madison felt like an airport: I was safe and relatively anonymous, and it provided a lot of opportunities for new directions. As I look forward to this new academic year, I feel a lot calmer than I ever have.

I'll miss Madison, but I'm confident that, just like an airport, I'll pass through again.

Sea Change

Well, I meant to blog about my amazing journey to Thai-fluency, but I just never seemed to have the time. If I had to describe the last few weeks, I'd use the word "contemplative." This has been one of the less stress-filled times I can remember; and when I think about the hyper-drive lifestyle I'm going back to in two weeks I shudder a little.

I've thoroughly enjoyed living in Madison. It's a beautiful city, and in some ways it feels more like home than Raleigh does, in part because I've had to walk everywhere here so I feel a part of Madison. All in all, it's been very low key and in the moment. I've enjoyed not being a grad student all the time. I've also enjoyed Skyping with friends and family that I no longer see very often. (Missing Philly always.) As my time here in Madison draws to a close, I've been thinking about what it means to be connected. For me, I have realized that when I leave, I usually assume I am still connected to some people, but I get so busy I don't bother to always let them know this. (The flip side of this is when I try and realize they don't care as much as I do.) I'm not consistent. I want to do better at with at least being honest about that. I've been very surprised and grateful that some of my Philly peeps want to stay in touch consistently too. Valuable lessons, all around.

I've resisted thinking about Raleigh, but this week a shift happened and now I'm heading that direction again. Hopefully the hyperdrive will not be as overwhelming as I think it will; after this summer I have a clearer idea of what I want to do in terms of research, so now I need to commit to an advisor and start planning. Fortunately I have two weeks left in Madison to come to terms with that and hopefully find a little more peace and balance. Big decisions, big fears.

I presented part of my thesis at the SEASSI Student Conference, which was highly intimidating but went pretty well, I think. It generated some interested, according to the pings from Academia.edu. I am more confident in turning thesis baby into an article or two, but I might need a little more time before I love it again. Maybe I never will. But I do love Thailand, and I'm excited about the possibilities I see for returning there.

"Don't think in English; think in Thai"

Thus spake my ajaan in class on Friday. She was referring to the fact that I always use English patterns when constructing my Thai sentences. I feel compelled to have proper grammer, but it is hard to remember that what is proper in Thai is not the same. Thinking in Thai is extremely challenging, but I think it's slowly happening. Slow in one sense of the word; fast in another. Today is the two week mark. We had a midterm yesterday. And I'm enjoying myself so much I was overwhelmed by how much I don't want to leave yet. Fortunately, I still have six weeks here.

I'm amazed at how, once I got here, the summer became so relaxed. I don't have any commitments other than learning, and this is a beautiful city. There are a lot of interesting people here, also. I've enjoyed getting to know people without the stress of being their colleague or competition. Everything feels so life or death at times in grad school. Learning language is hard; I hate not being able to communicate fluently or elegantly. Baby phrases harrow my soul. But it is not the end of the world if I don't learn Thai, and there is no need for me to be perfect at it right this very moment.

The other day I tried to give the post office my phone number in Thai; I felt that this was progress towards something.

A thousand plateaus (of language learning)

Today classes started. I laughed to myself when the opening speaker describe language study as a series of plateaus, so of course I had to make a joke about Deleuze and Guattari. It was a thought provoking presentation in other ways, however. He cautioned those of us who deal with theory to be patient, because our progress will feel different from wrestling with theoretical concepts. I appreciated this warning when I went to my actual class, because it was hard not to get frustrated.

I signed up for the beginner's level because I knew that my language skills, such as they were, have atrophied in the ten years I've been back stateside. (TEN YEARS.) This is not to say that I had some nice delusions of somehow impressing everyone, including myself, with a higher level of proficiency than I know I have.  That did not happen, so I found myself learning vowel sounds and tone rules once again. I felt a bit better because most of my classmates are in similar positions: they know a little, but not enough. As I said, though, it was also slightly frustrating. I LEARNED this before, I wanna skip to translating documents and other media! But as the class went on, I realized how good it would be for me to learn the very basics, to know HOW the language works, and not just be able to parrot words or phrases. I will just have to keep reminding myself of this.

Madison continues to impress, mostly with how hilly it is! I am working on getting back my city legs as I walk everywhere. There is a wonderful feeling of freedom in not needing a car. The other SEASSI folks seem like an interesting and entertaining bunch, from the dudebro who is proud of his drunken exploits to butterfly researchers who use the butterflies as benchmarks for environmental changes along the Mekong river. There are a lot of nomads, who, like me, have a difficult time with the question, "Where are you from?" So I feel pretty comfortable. Now I just have to remember all the vowel sounds.

Madison, WI

I am so, so glad to be here. Madison is beautiful, and everything seems to be walkable, which is something I've really missed in Raleigh. I got in yesterday around noon, after a fairly uneventful trip. True, when I got to Raleigh's international airport at 5 am for my 6 am flight, I was deeply horrified by the throngs of people already there. I had assumed I'd breeze right through the luggage drop off and security, but I barely made my flight. I won't make that mistake again! Since Raleigh was the airport we used to fly to Thailand the very first time, it felt fitting that it is the airport I used to come on this next stage of my journey with Thailand.

It was also the first time I'd used a smart phone while flying, and it was really snazzy to check in and get my boarding passes right from my phone. It also helped the boredom on my layover in Detroit. I was impressed with the Detroit airport. There was a train/tram thing that was pretty cutting edge. And the bathroom stalls were roomy enough that dragging in a carryon and a computer bag was doable. (When you travel alone you have to think about these things.)

When I asked the taxi driver from the airport what Madison was like, she said, "have you ever heard the word bucolic?" She was right. This place is beautiful. Last night I stayed at the apartment of a TCK friend from college. She wasn't there, and neither were her roommates, so I was grateful they didn't  mind me crashing. I wandered around last night looking for food. I got a bit turned around but I generally find my way back to where I started without too much hassle. I didn't even need my smartphone. I felt like I did in Bangkok; wandering my own way and also feeling extremely hungry because I didn't know where to find a store. Aside from the hunger, it was nice.

This morning I came to campus and moved into my summer housing. I love the campus! It's right in the city, as far as I can tell, so there are stores and restaurants as well as a beautiful lake and green things. I keep reminding myself of the winters here so I don't get too attached. For a summer, though I think it's perfect. There is a lot to do and I'll escape the heat in NC.

As nervous as I am about learning how much Thai I DON'T know, I am really excited about this program. I'll get to meet some of the "big names" in South East Asian scholarship, and I'll even get to meet the current Thai ambassador! There is also a conference this summer that I think I'll submit to. Truly, this is about building a future, instead of just reliving the past. I also brought along some communication theory, because ultimately, I am a communication scholar with an interest in Thailand. So many exciting possibilities. Who knows what will happen?

Goodbye Girl

I did not get out my suitcase until this morning, which was cutting it pretty close. I have a hard time packing. I like the actual journey, and I usually like the destination, but somehow, packing up my stuff is the absolute worse. I was very glad that I was awarded the fellowship, because it meant I did not have to sublet my apartment. I did not want my apartment to be filled with strangers while I am gone. I got it out, however, and managed to pick out my clothes and fit in my bedding. (I'll be staying in a dorm, so I needed to bring my own sheets. I am not particularly enthused about the dorm part... I've discovered I actually like having a kitchen and cooking this year.)

I've been thinking about missing people and places (AGAIN! I KNOW!). One of the main reasons I did not want to leave this summer was because I was afraid I would be "out of sight, out of mind" to my friends here, and be a stranger when I get back. Now, it is true that I will not be the same when I return, but that doesn't mean I will be cut out of society, allegedly. The title of this blog post is from a song by the same name by The Civil Wars. It's a beautiful song, and it encapsulates a lot of how I've felt and experienced in all my many transitions. "Say goodbye, and don't look back," runs the chorus. Looking back hurts. This song can bring me to tears.

When people say they'll miss me, I think they're just being nice. Moving so much, I guess it became a habit to assume that because it hurt less. Other nomads I meet understand this, and often they react the same way. But my non-nomad buddies are surprised, and hurt, when I am surprised that they say they'll miss me. I was shocked at the hurt. I react with the feeling of: don't say what you don't mean, and assume that saying "I miss you" simply cannot be true, or not for long. People move on and everything adjusts. This is life. But missing doesn't mean that life stays static, I guess? I skyped with one of my Philly friends today and it was SO NICE. We are still friends, and still miss each other, but include each other in our lives in different ways. This is a nice lesson, and important.

I started this blog three years ago when I went "home" to Thailand. I was in the middle of my masters, and I was excited and happy and looking forward to getting back to Philly and resuming life after my trip. This is a similar juncture, although I am not going to a past "home." This is more of a future building trip. I have made a lot of peace with my past in Thailand, and doing this language program will help me build a future. It's kind of thrilling. But most importantly, after I do this building, I'll be coming "home" to a community and my very own apartment.

Summer adventures

I don't really want this blog to die, but neither do I feel like updating regularly. I really only feel like writing when I'm in transition, and for the last six months, I have been strangely stable. Honestly, it's been weird. Particularly the last few weeks between when school ended and now, I just was overwhelmed by my lack of... lack.

So, to update, I finished Year One mostly intact, but more exhausted than I can ever remember being. I think it's been a crazy couple of years. I feel more settled in Raleigh than I ever expected to be. I like my program, and I've made some really good friends. And although I think a lot about choosing dissertation committee members, I am not really all that worried. I just want to make sure I think things through very clearly, as the goal is to go back to Thailand to do research there.

To that end, in January, I applied and was accepted to the SEASSI Thai Language program at the University of Wisconsin Madison. I was also awarded a full fellowship, so for the first time in memory I feel taken care of and stable. I have money to eat, a place to stay, and my own little apartment to come back to. It's a strange feeling. I haven't studied Thai for over 10 years. What if I'm terrible at it? But I am mostly just so glad to be able to do such a cool thing.

I didn't really want to go at first; I wanted to stick out 12 months at one address, but I know it's the right decision to go. And I need a break from Raleigh too. This year was intense, and some things and people I want to get away from for a little while. Honestly, the excitement I feel about coming BACK in August is the best part of this whole thing.

I figure I might update as I wander through Wisconsin. I've never ever been to that state, so I think chronicling my new adventure is called for.