More thoughts on "home"

I ran into a professor just now coming into the library. "Well, you're here," he said. "You're dedicated."

That's one way of putting it. Last night at a training session (on a Friday night, that I came in for even though it wasn't part of my normal office hours) one of the topics of dinner conversation was, "What do you do when you're not at school?" And literally, my reaction was, well... I'm always at school.

Because, really, I always am. If I'm going to be a student, my reasoning goes, I'm jolly well going to be the best student I can be. And that translates to the jokes about how I'm always on campus. I love being a student.

So it might seem strange that I decided to put off going on for my PhD for now. When it came right down to it, I couldn't bear to leave Philly yet. And overlaying all my thoughts about the possibilities of going on were these deja vu feelings from when I was graduating high school and it felt like the world was ending and it didn't matter where I went or what I did, because I would hate it. I felt that would not be a good way to start a PhD program. College was not a happy time for me, in part because of those intense feelings of loss. And on top of all these half formed feelings old and new, my parents will be leaving Thailand for good this summer and... I just couldn't bear to let go of my Philly home along with everything else.

The other thing I kind of felt I should figure out was, who am I when I don't have to leave? It's a troubling question, weird as that may sound. I'm really used to (and good at, might I add) being super good friends with people and then feeling really, truly sad when I leave or they leave but knowing all along that one of us would eventually move. I've put that question of leaving off for now, so now I'm left with, oh crap. I have to figure out how to graduate without pushing everyone away. Philly is a unique city in many ways, but not least because I actually have friends here who have known me - consistently - for over ten years. Friends from high school through grad school are all represented in Philly's population, not to mention my sisters live here too. I couldn't leave all of them just yet. Such a situation may never happen again!

So now I have to also find a job and housing and all that. But it feels exciting, so I think that's a sign I made the right choice. Also exciting (for now): writing my thesis. Which is kind of really sort of important for everything.