Day Two: The Kindness of “Family”

(written July 6th)

I use quotation marks a lot, I realize. I just feel so often that the terms I use require explanation! But the expat community was like a family, and I just remembered how much I missed it. Today reminded me of many things, both good and very sad. Prepare for a long and complicated post.

I carefully wrote down the address of the BKK office where I was going to meet my uncle. I showed it to the taxi driver and off we went. It was pretty much a disaster. Thailand’s back roads (or soi) are rather haphazard and hard to find if you aren’t exactly sure where you are going. So the taxi driver and I spent a good twenty minutes driving up and down the road (thanon) the soi supposedly connected with. He was getting visibly annoyed, and I felt awful because I didn’t have a phone. We did illegal u-turns and stopped traffic and it was very epic. In the end he used his personal phone to call my uncle and we finally found the office.

The journalist we were supposed to meet for lunch was running late so my uncle and I met up with my aunt who invited us to go with her to meet another aunt for coffee. It’s hard to explain how this felt, to see these people who were like family and I assumed I would never see again. Ironically, we went to Starbucks for coffee and it was VERY amusing how generic Starbucks is. Aside from the Thai patrons it was exactly the same as any other Starbucks I have ever seen. (ALSO, there is a GAP in Bangkok now. A GAP. Can I just repeat, a GAP? I think the end is near. Besides, I don’t know why they WANT a Gap; the clothes here are far cuter and honestly, most of the Gap stuff is made in the region anyway and you can find it in export shops for cheap.)

My aunts and uncle were very interested in what I was wanting to research and shared their personal insights into the current situation and talked about their own experiences. My uncle and aunt who live in Bangkok were caught in mobs with their children and sometimes had to avoid their balcony because of sniper concerns. This made everything even more real to me. It was hard on their kids, they told me. I feel that was probably a massive understatement. What must it be like to be taking your friend home and have gunshots going off around your car? To have your school cancelled for such grave security issues? To smell the burning tires and hear the explosions? All these thoughts were extremely sobering.

Throughout our conversation, it was interesting what remained unsaid. There were significant silences and unspoken agreements and I just felt, regardless of how everything has been cleaned up and quieted, so much is left unresolved. And everyone knows it.

We then toddled along to the FCCT (Foreign Correspondents’ Club of Thailand) where I acquired a massive book called The King of Thailand in World Focus, which is a compilation of media coverage of His Majesty. I am very excited. I haven’t let myself look at it yet because I need to keep this blog updated! Also, I just haven’t had time. There was a photo exhibit in the FCCT of the Red Shirt protests and it was kind of hard to see. (At the same time, I was wondering how I could get my hands on these photos for reference purposes. Academia evokes such complicated emotions.) My uncle’s friend, a journalist who has worked in the region for over four decades, was really interesting. Again, guarded discussions involving extreme nuance.

If nothing else, this trip has been excellent for explaining what my research involves or could possibly focus on. My uncle’s friend was also extremely interested, and he gave me some good advice that I will have to think about. On the one hand, he said to me, you might want to consider focusing on another country for a while, expand your expertise. Given my own complicated feelings about Thailand, I could appreciate that. But then, after we had talked around the last few months he told me, rather emotionally, that I have an opportunity in my research to help others care about Thailand. That I could help others see the Thailand beyond the newspapers. And that made me feel emotional too. Because it is complicated.

After spending the rest of the afternoon in some meetings at the Bangkok UNESCO offices, my uncle took me to get a cheap used mobile phone. I feel much better about wandering around the city alone now! Then we met up with the rest of his family and my other aunt's family for dinner. This too was very emotional. It was strange to see all these kids that I used to babysit for now thinking about college and graduating, and to be an "adult" at the table instead of just being my parents' kid.

It was hard because my aunts wanted me to talk about my own college experience and about reentry and how I adjusted back to the States. I decided to be honest, but I also felt bad, like I was being scary. I wish someone had been honest about how hard it was though. When I got to my guesthouse after dinner I cried. I’m finally getting it together, seven years after returning to the States, but I’m still sad for the girl I used to be. It’s all a process. I’m a process. And I think part of moving forward meant I had to come back here, to remember what I left and learn what I can gain.