"Going Home"

Someone asked me recently what I was going to look for on this trip. I still don’t quite know… It’s hard to explain exactly, what this chance to return to Thailand means to me. For those readers who have known me a long time, it may surprise you to know that I was not sure I was going to tell anyone at Villanova about growing up in Thailand. (Actually, that will probably surprise a lot of people at Villanova, too.) I thought maybe the time had come to let that part of my life go a little. To see what might interest me or define me in the here and now, let go of the deep sadness I experienced (experience?) in returning to the States for college and just be… whoever I might be without defining myself as inexorably “farang.”

Of course, it didn’t really turn out that way. Far from leaving Thailand behind, I incorporated it into my present more thoroughly than it had been since I lived there and my past life became the foundation for my present research. As Thailand’s political situation suddenly became highly volatile, I struggled with maintaining my academic interest in the face of my deep personal connections. I wondered often if I should let it go; focus on something else. And I still do. But I’ve decided to attempt a thesis project connected to Thailand, so I’m going to be holding on at least a little longer.

I’ve long defined myself as a Third Culture Kid. I recognized myself in one of the readings I had this semester that described how TCKs need a “dynamic and processual view of home” (Wise, 2001, p. 307). I’ve called Thailand home for a very long time; but I have other homes now, and so I worry, a bit, about going back to the one that I have desperately longed for but could not have.

So, what am I looking for? Well, I want to experience Thailand. As an adult. And a researcher. I want to walk the streets of Bangkok and Chiang Mai and make them a part of me. I want to see if Thailand will continue to shape me in the present, or if, after this year, I may be able to focus on other things. It’s exciting and kind of scary. Those are the mythic, soul shaking thoughts I have. On a more prosaic level, I want to take a lot of pictures, eat a lot of my favorite foods (I worry my spice tolerance is sadly decreased), and concoct some sort of awesome thesis project that will interest me for the next twelve months. Also, I want to go shopping. I think it’s entirely doable. And since I’ll need to have detailed notes and deep insights, I figure maybe blogging will keep me accountable. Maybe. I’m kind of lazy.