Once I make up my mind about something, I feel much better and able to talk. So now that I've decided to go stay with my parents (most likely temping there too), I feel like sharing some of what I've endured/experienced over the last few months. Some of my temp assignments have been interesting. (Like the one where I was filing endless piles of paper; it was mind-numbingly dull but my supervisor was a very interesting woman. She liked talking about power inequalities in the workplace, so we got along just fine.) This latest assignment, however, has mostly been boring and awkward. To explain, I shall share my observations on how NOT to hit on the temp worker:
1. If the temp worker asks you where the coffee cups are, assume she just wants coffee, not a lifelong friendship.
2. Do not follow her to her desk and pump her about her dating life. One, that's just rude, two, it's creepy, and three, it's none of your business. If she is incapable of lying and making up a significant other, it is not an invitation to continue your attention. (See previous sentence.) Further, if your actions would be different if she WAS in a relationship, you need to reevaluate your motives in speaking to her. She can totally see your wedding ring.
3. Do not start emailing said temp worker "just to say hi" immediately after questioning her about her relationship status.
4. Do not continue to email her the next day, and most certainly do not ask her out to lunch. When she demurs, do not repeat your invitation with the offer to pay.
5. If, following her refusal of your lunch invitation, you continue to email and express that you have no intention of being creepy, and she responds that yes, she feels uncomfortable, stop emailing. DO NOT email her back to tell her that you think she "is a nice person." You have no way of determining this about her, and also, you just really pissed her off. Although she does try to be a nice person, this will not stop her from telling you to screw yourself if you persist.
6. Do not keep emailing her "just to say hi" while she is out of town presenting a paper to the Feminist and Women's Study Division.
7. When she returns, and you email to ask her if you are creeping her out, and she very clearly says yes, stop emailing her. Good job! She's saved all your emails, so stopping is a good move.
8. Having ceased to email, (again, good job), do not start skulking past her desk, singing, humming, coughing or otherwise seeking her attention. She does not wish to talk to you. She is glad you are going to eat some chocolate, but she does not want to hear a song about it.
Conclusion: If you have to keep explaining that you aren't being creepy, you probably should re-evaluate your habits of interacting with others.
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In all fairness, this particular assignment is in a very quiet and subdued office. It's hard on an extrovert (let me testify!). BUT. Here is where this situation becomes borderline harassment: as a temp worker, I am pretty powerless. I can leave the job, of course (and this is one of the factors in my decision to do so), but that only impacts me. As the full time, older, male employee, all the power resides with Creeper. He can just say he was trying to be friendly, and who am I to argue?
A graduate student, that's who!
I'll be the first to admit, I am a friendly person myself, and sometimes I must seem very approachable. I also doubt Creeper is intentionally making women feel uncomfortable (although his awareness that he might seem creepy indicates that perhaps it has been brought to his attention before). Well, I hope I can doubt that. He tends to target a few of the younger women in the office.
So Creeper might just be a lonely extrovert. But his actions still crossed a line. My one regret in this situation is that I was not more firm the first time he asked if he was being creepy. I told him I was uncomfortable, but I tried to couch my response in non-accusatory terms. I suppose I didn't want to be mean. The second time when I told him flat out to stop emailing me had a much better result. And I had to struggle a bit with feeling like I was being "mean." I wondered if I had done something to indicate I wanted that kind of attention. But watching Creeper interact with others in the office, I came to the conclusion that no, it was not me. It was totally him. I'm just glad I've had mentors who have encouraged me to stand up for myself. (I shudder to think what would have happened if this had happened right after college.)
So, lesson learned: don't be afraid to be blunt. Sometimes it's the best way to protect yourself. (And other times, it is not enough. I'm only joking about this situation because I really don't think Creeper is dangerous. He seems more the emotional blackmailer - but WHY don't you want to be my friend?! - than anything else.)
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