Space and TCKs

The grief I feel about leaving Philadelphia surprises me. Grief about leaving has been a part of my life for so long, yet I still feel surprised. At least this is a more gradual transition than most of the ones I've experienced. I can come back. This is an entirely new experience: the chance to come back "home."

My old roommate gave me a framed photo last night of a sign that says, "Philadelphia: the place that LOVES YOU BACK." It might be one of the best gifts I've ever received. And it means Philadelphia will be a visible part of whatever home I create next. The concept of "home" as a process, not a place has been so freeing for me.

A positive result of thinking about life and leaving as processes has meant that the grief I feel right now is less jagged and unbearable than it has been at other times. Leaving Thailand, as I've talked about probably endlessly, was shattering on multiple levels. It's nice to learn that leaving doesn't have to be final. Returning to Thailand last year was huge. Knowing I can come up with a substantial list of friends and family to stay with here in Philly is even huger, in some ways.

I realized today that these endless processes of life transitions probably has contributed a lot to my fascination with the idea of "space" as an active construct (ala Massey 2005*). Returning to places and finding them profoundly changed, although the physical locations are the same means that the concept of space as created out infinite relations resonates with me profoundly.

In TCK circles, we talk a lot about "closure" and "leaving well." And to a great extent, this is important because it encourages acknowledging the loss of a particular place and all that means: people, pets, everything. The sights, the smells, your favorite stores. But the word "closure" also implies a finality that I think can be harmful. "Closure" brings to mind a shut door. And again, in some irrevocable ways, when a TCK (or anyone) leaves, that life is gone. Space, (as outlined above), the interrelations, are what you leave, as well as the physical location.

When I missed Thailand in college, I missed my family and my friends (who were, in most cases, scattered around the globe). I knew, very deeply, that even if I went back, I would not be "home" in what I was longing for. I was profoundly cut off; when I started college, there was no Facebook, and I could only call my parents using a prepaid phone card. Technology changed, and over the next few years the ability to stay connected through Facebook and programs like Skype increased dramatically. These technologies changed and restructured relationships between people and places and encourage a sense of connection that might not always be true offline. I feel like I need to write a paper about this now.

ANYWAY. All that to say, leaving and transitions are hard. They are never final, because the relations that connect a person to spaces as well as places cannot be terminated as through the metaphor of a closing door. I wish I'd known this sooner.

*Massey, D. (2005). For space. London, UK: SAGE Publications Ltd.