This is probably the first week I've really, truly just wanted to be done. Done, and gone. It makes me sigh. I feel like now I have to mentally go through what I want to keep from the last few years and how. It's draining and sad. I want to keep everyone and everything and that is just not possible. And I don't have energy to waste on trying... It's very tempting to just use my thesis as an excuse and cut everyone else out completely, finish this up alone and then skedaddle. It's kind of a bad habit. And then I get a text from a friend I haven't talked to in ages, just wondering how I am, or an email from a friend saying that she knows my parents won't make graduation, so would I join her family? And then I realize that I really am not as alone as I often feel. This helps.
I have started a reading list of fun books for the summer. It's supposed to be a motivation.
Sometimes I think it was stupid of me to not apply for PhDs this year. If I had, I might have a more definite idea of what I will be doing next by this point. But when I consider this in my heart, I know I really just wanted to stick around here for a bit longer, and it still feels right. I suppose it's a plus that I feel so stressed about other things that the hows of this next step are not yet too scary, although they are worrying. How will I get it all done? I'm not sure. One day. One step. One moment at a time.
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