Ugh

Today (I guess it's yesterday now) I finally just sucked it up and started contacting local friends and family about graduation. I'm still not sure I want to go, but I AM sure that I will not be going if no one will be there with me. No way. There is not enough vehemence on the internet to express this refusal. It feels like there's no good option here. I don't want to graduate, but I had an amazing time, I did well, and I should celebrate it. I'll be sad if I go, but I'll regret it if I don't. Closure. Such an old, sad word.

Also, well intentioned and interested people keep asking me what I'm doing next and seem perplexed when I don't seem to be overjoyed at the thought of graduating. (I know, I know, pathological love of school is very rare.) They assure me that whatever I do next will be totally awesome and everything will work out and it wil be GREAT and it just frustrates me and I get upset. I think I've figured out why, though. It's because I know, of course, that I will enjoy whatever it is I end up doing and I will love it and all that jazz. But I'm mourning this present. This ending. I'm grieving and I feel like that should be okay. Should be. My therapist calls this complicated grief. TCKs and other global nomads often experience all the other griefs and all the other leavings they have ever felt or done in times of transition. I can attest to this. Unfortunately, it also makes me just want to run as far away as I can. Choices, choices.

I realize I haven't written about writing much lately. Or walking. Transition takes over! I am writing. And thinking. And everything else I have to do. There is a phrase from some version of the Bible and I can't remember where or what or anything like that. But I've always liked it: "He set his face like flint." It's very dramatic and that is probably why it appeals to me. Gotta set my face like flint and just get this over with.

I'll write a more positive post tomorrow, probably. I always feel these things strongly and then I get embarrassed. It's all part of me though. Integration. Process. All that.

Also, also, I really wish Spring would come for real.